Paleo - Week 1

Drum Roll Please.....

I weighed in this morning at 230lbs!  That's a loss of 7.4lbs in the first week, and it puts me well on my way to reaching my goal of 220lbs by the Shoff Family Reunion (8/7/10).  For the first time, I think this is possible. 

Interesting thing happened this week.  My pants fell down!  Thank God it happened at home, so it wasn't a negative experience.  A good friend Robyn gave me some clothes she couldn't fit into anymore, and the shorts were admittedly a little big on me already, but that never happened before.  So yayyers!

And pictures.  This week:  (starting with my before picture)

I don't see much of a change...yet.  But it's coming.  Have no fear!

Paleo - The First Three Days

I may be jumping on another bandwagon here, but you have to give me credit - when I do it, it's with both feet and no reservations.

I'm committing to the Paleo Diet for 30 days.  In a nutshell, it's no processed foods, no grains, no dairy, (no fun), easy on the fruit, eating like Grok would have ate. 

So far I'm okay with that.  Day 1 sucked badly with a major, major headache, the likes of which I'd never experienced before.  Yesterday (day 2) was better, no physical ailments, but emotionally I'm a "witch with a B".  Today, a little better.  Still a bit testy.  Could be because it's 90 frickin' degrees in Troy, Ohio and we are bereft of climate control?  Hmmm, maybe.

No, what makes me nervous now is fasting.  According to (snort) evolution, our bodies were designed to go for periods of time without nourishment.  Understandable, Grok couldn't have felled a brontosaurus every day, now could he?  Ergo, the 24-hour fast.

I'm a hypoglocemic.  Or at least I was in my past life.  If I didn't have a fairly steady supply of glucose/fructose in my bloodstream, I'd get dizzy, fidgety, and majorly witchy. 

So I guess fasting is going to be my litmus test with paleo. 

Without further ado, what you've all been anxiously awaiting.....

BEFORE PICTURES!!!

(Tiger couldn't resist the photo op...)

From Andrew

It is hot on Wednesday. I don't like the heat. I like summer too. snow shack. united dairy farmer. And lots of other things.

The Simple Woman's Daybook 6/22/10

Outside my window...a morning thunderstorm.  Rain.  The cool breeze is a blessing after a week of heat, humidity, and lack of a.c.

I am thinking...about friendship.  How to be a good friend, why people I considered friends turn out not to be true.

I am thankful for...the true friends that I have. 

I am wearing...my pj's. 

I am going...to work.  Today's my "long" day, open to p.m. rush.  But I'm grateful that I can do this for Yasar, so he gets a day off every week.

I am reading...In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. 

I am hoping...yes, yes I am.  I won't put a name to it, but I still hope.

On my mind...Medicaid.  And the hoops they make you jump through to apply.

I am creating...not really anything at the moment.  Unless you count the garden.  I'm itching to start a new cross stitch, though.

I am hearing...rain outside, Andrew watching a movie, the fan.

Noticing that...(sigh) this house needs to be cleaned.  It's my Wednesday chore, so by Tuesday this place is looking pretty skeevy.

Around the house...homeschool curriculum that needs to be sorted and filed, a fish tank light that needs replacement (the whole light, not just the bulb), front flower beds needs tilling or mulch.

A few plans for the rest of the week...not really anything out of the ordinary. A few more hours than usual at the store to cover for someone who's out and as backup for customer appreciation special. 

Going Private

I am not a mean-spirited person, yet over and over I get portrayed that way.  And every time it happens, a little piece of my heart dies.

It's exhausting to defend my motivations constantly.

So that's why I went private.  Without going into it, someone took a post I wrote as an attack (which it was certainly not), and someone else out there in the vast internet is using my words to their own advantage.

I'm not sure where this is going to go.  I want to keep the blog going - it's been over 2 years, 500+ posts that contain so much of my memories, thoughts, and heartbreak.  Do I 86 it after all that?  Just keep it to myself?  Invite only exclusive people into my club?  I'm just not sure at this time.  As much as I love you, blog, you have taken up a life all your own.  You've gotten demanding, and are not afraid to throw out the guilt card if ignored for too long. 

But friends are asking....

Summer Fun, Ingenious Ways to Stay Cool, and Forget Me Not

Those Old Blues

Yesterday.

That same song I was singing on the way to the hospital.

On the same road I was driving.

I don't cry much anymore, but it was more than my little heart could take. 



On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering...

I Couldn't Resist

I found this at the Strawberry Festival on Saturday.  It's wasn't really her name as much as the little blue forget-me-not flowers pressed onto the mat that had the tears rolling.  Those will always remind me of her, and seeing them together felt like a hug from my little girl.  

This past weekend has been really emotional.  I was honored to be asked by my friend Christine to accompany her to her ultrasound appointment.  As grateful as I was to be there, it was still hard.  I bit my tongue and sucked it up - it was an amazing moment for her, after 4 beautiful girls she's expecting a little boy, and the last thing I wanted to do was steal her joy.  So I think when I saw Leila's name at the fair, all those pent-up emotions just let loose.  Poor Christine, she didn't know what to do with me!

Surrender

I've come to terms with my infertility again.  I think.

My friend Christine and her four daughters stayed with us through the holiday weekend, waiting for the first of the month and her new rental house to be available.  I want you to read that last sentence with the most positive tone you can muster - I *loved* having my house full of friends and laughter.  The small size of our home only concentrated the fun.  And I'm so grateful to have my friend back, not only in Ohio, but practically in my backyard!  She broke my heart back in February when she moved her family to Arizona, so it almost feels like a miracle that she's here in Troy again. 

Christine has this adorable, sweet little one-year-old daughter, E.  This little girl goes from sobbing to smiling faster than you can blink.  She also goes from sitting quietly to in-the-dog-food-out-the-door-grabbing-the-chotchkes- that fast. 

Our pastor this past Sunday mentioned how women forget the pains of labor and delivery so quickly.  I commented to Christine that we forget much more than that.  We forget how hard it is to have a newborn, an infant, a toddler.  Chasing E. around (or maybe I should say watching Christine chase E. around) reminded me. 

I think I'm satisfied with my life.  Andrew is at a good age, he's stretching for more independence.  I don't have to hover over my child all the time anymore.

I think I'm to lazy old to do it again.  So God, I give up.  If it's Your plan to give me another baby, I'm down with it.  But I'm done actively pursuing getting pregnant. 

A Brand New Year

It's as if I was holding my breath, waiting for that ticker to roll over.

And, now that it has, I feel different. Unencumbered.  Lighter.  No longer weepy and morose.

Either the beginning of May has been especially hard,

or, (dare I say it?) the hard grieving is over.

I've googled about grief release after that first anniversary.  It's real, many people experience it.  Even Stephanie seems to have caught a little of it. 

The litmus test will be church on Sunday.  Do you think I can get through a whole service without crying in the bathroom?

Why do I feel bad about not feeling bad anymore?  It's not as if I've forgotten her.  She's sewed into the fabric of my heart.

Maybe last year was about looking back, but this year is about looking forward.

Happy Birthday, Little Angel

We had the florist fill the balloons with forget-me-not seeds - I hope a plants bloom and Leila fills Troy with tiny blue flowers.  Maybe someone will see one and wonder.  I hope.

Love you, sweet little girl.  Till we meet again.

Project 365

Well, I've decided to give it a shot. Pun intended.

Please stop by my 365 Blog and follow the journey from idiot-with-a-camera to (hopefully) something better. :)

My Unhealthy Fascination

I've always been drawn to old cemeteries.

They seem so forgotten. Very few fresh flowers or flags, any evidence that someone who still walks this earth remembers...

But they're saturated with history. Most of these graves date back over a century.

Yesterday I walked through the old cemetery alone, looking for answers.

How did mothers in the 1800's deal with the loss of a child? It looks like a common situation back in those days. Did they just accept it gracefully as a fact of life? Par for the course? Did they scream and cry? Did they feel deserted by God?

Can you almost see the divots this mother's knees left in front of her babies' headstones? The flowers she put on the cold marble every year, every season? Did she accept her burden better than I am?

The cemetery remains peacefully secretive. And I rejoice for those mothers who have joined with their babies in heaven.

Waking Up is Hard to Do

Oh, last night was amazing! I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive! We laughed and hugged and celebrated that God had smiled on us!

And then I woke up.

I'm usually relieved to wake up from a dream. But this one, I wanted to crawl back under the covers and live in it. Pray that God would make it my reality. Go back to before waking up ruined my life.

God, hear my cry!

Infidelity

I feel like I'm cheating on my blog with my camera.

Both are unique forms of expression. Both have a way of centering me.

But the camera seems less demanding. Short of learning about aperture and shutter speed, and the options Nikon has placed in my hands, it's pretty much an exercise in creativity. On some deep level, instinctive.

And when I try to introduce the blog to my new flame, it just feels wrong.

I hope you'll bear with me while the struggle ensues.

Until then, a picture of which I'm very proud...

Tiger Paw

I love playing with the f-stops!

More Pictures

"Cheese!!!"

Is it me, or does my kid have a weird tongue? Is it supposed to do that split thingy?

The peony he brought me from the neighbor's house. It smells soooo good!

Honeysuckles rule the hedgerow at the house next door.

That sweet face.

Andrew tries his hand at photography. Me, I just want mah coffee!

I'm thinking about starting a Project 365...

Mother's Day 2010

I am amazed by the men in my life. Today they took what would have been a miserable day and turned it into a magical one. My husband, Mr. Thrifty himself, bought me a D-SLR! I have wanted a great camera for-EVER, so this was a wonderful gift and a complete and total surprise (how he got Andrew to keep quiet I'll never know!). Here are some pictures from today - my family. I love you so very much!

Oy...

So soon after my head exploded over the abject refusal to remove strawberry and chocolate milk from the elementary school lunchline on Jaime Oliver's Food Revolution...

Mead Johnson rolls out chocolate- and vanilla-flavored toddler formula.

If we're scratching our heads, wondering why our kids are dying younger than we are, let's give our poor scalps a break.

I love that quote, "What's next, genetically modifying moms to produce chocolate breast milk?"

Lady, don't give them any ideas.

Ready for my Badge of Honor Now...

I swear, I deserve some kind of medal or award for sitting in my old OB's office and keeping it together. And even talking to Dr. C, who had no idea Leila wasn't here with us on earth anymore (he strictly does GYN, while Dr. O does both OB and GYN).

It's not lost on me that, since Leila was not technically 20 weeks and therefore could not be listed as a stillbirth, the OBGYN history shows me as having "surgery" 5/21/09.

Ouch. OUCH!

I HAD A BABY, PEOPLE!

Anyway, Dr. C. is scheduling bloodwork on in a few weeks to catch me midcycle and see where my hormones are at. AND he wants to do a pap, even though I'm not due for one until July. His concern is that abnormal pap I got on my first pregnancy visit with Leila, even though the follow-up was normal.

Let's just pray that Blue Cross/Blue Shield covers this. My health insurance has no maternity rider. Not that, at this point, it's me trying to get pregnant. I've no doubt that eventually it will evolve into that, but right now it's just about figuring out why my body is acting the way it is.

At this moment, I'm just emotionally drained. And more than due for a big glass of vino. I'll take that over a medal any day.

Tagged Twice

Blog Awards.

They're usually something I skip over. But since being tagged by both Lisa @ Retriever Farm and Missy @ Yankee Girl, well, just this once won't kill me. Thanks girls - love you both much!

Now, Ten Random Things About Me.

I tend to grocery shop in even numbers, usually buying either two or four of a particular item (depending on price, of course). For instance, my Alice order came in the mail yesterday - 2 recycled paper towels, 2 Sun & Earth hand soaps, 4 boxes sugarcane tissues. See the pattern?

I heart Jelly Belly jelly beans more than any other food in the universe!

I quit smoking 8 years, 1 month, and 14 days ago.

I have a disturbing habit of killing off one of my family members in my dreams almost weekly. David, if dreams are at all credible, do NOT take up golf. :D

I once threw up in the basement food court of the VF Outlets and have never felt the same about that place.

Right now I'm on a bread-making kick. A few months ago, it was cheesecakes. Before that, Middle Eastern foods. I seriously don't know how my family puts up with me.

I still listen to New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson in my car. Quietly. With the windows rolled up.

Right now, I take great satisfaction in touring our backyard and admiring everything that's growing. Radishes are just coming out, as are squash, watermelon, and cukes. Tomatoes are already a foot high and flowering! And my forget-me-nots, Leila's flowers, have a good head start.

I have an aversion to green peppers.

I love teaching people the disappearing art of driving a stick shift car. I learned to drive on stick and, except for about a year and a half there, have always owned a car with standard transmission. My saddest day will be when they stop making new stick shift cars.

This is not a "Random Thing". I am blessed. My Lord, my family, my friends, both blog and IRL.

There you go. Ten random, one purposeful.

Now I'm supposed to keep the chain going and "tag" ten more people. But I love you all too much! If you want to do this, consider yourself tagged. If not, go on without guilt or responsibility. Either way, have a wonderful day!

Happy Mother's Day!

Did you know today is International Babyloss Mother's Day? If you know anyone who "celebrates" today, give them a hug. Share a tear. Let them talk to you about their precious angel.

Just be there. Even though our hearts and minds are elsewhere today, we still need that.

Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful, supportive, caring, grieving babyloss mamas I've met over the past year. Love you all very much, and pray for you daily!

Some Concerns

First, I seem to have lost my muse. It's challenge enough to pull together my weekly blog over at Almost Frugal - I just don't seem to have much to say otherwise. At least, not anything new or exciting.

I miss her. A lot. As her birthday creeps closer, my emotions are closer to the surface. I'm dreading Mother's Day, which will also be a baby dedication at our church. Might just have to skip that one.

But, before M-Day, the GYN. (men, please feel free to scroll down.) Ever since about CD12ish, I've been spotting. The internet is a wonderful and scary thing, with its wealth of conflicting medical information. So I made an appointment with my GYN for Wednesday. Combine the spotting with the inability to lose weight, (extreme) irritability, infertility, and a few other symptoms that I'll spare you, and I'm wondering if there's a progesterone deficiency. When I was pregnant with Leila I was diagnosed with LP and put on suppositories until we got to 14 weeks. I'm not making excuses, and this isn't as much about getting pregnant as finding out what's going on (not that I'd sneeze at a BFP).

Until then, I'll keep up my organic, borderline-vegetarian diet and my daily 4-mile walks. And the head scratching as to why the scale refuses to budge. And hopefully Dr. C will be able to shine some light on my situation.

One funny thing that happened today. We didn't plan ahead and ended up starving and out of town. Stopped at a Chinese buffet. I had the HARDEST time eating there. Just looking at all the fat and cheese and fried stuff was nauseating. They had a Mongolian grill, I loaded up with veg and some noodles, got to the meats, and just could not put any of that protein on my plate. I watched a trailer for a movie called Earthlings, and that's all I had flashing through my head (if you like to eat meat or have an affinity for animals, don't Google this. It's like the Faces of Death of the industrial meat industry. You've been warned.) So there I sat, with my sad little bowl of wonton soup and my veggie noodle stirfry. Yasar and I looked at each other and it was clear: we'd completely lost whatever enjoyment we once had in regards to eating out.

That's all, Folks! Emily out...

Pretty Toes II

Andrew chose the colors and the design for my pedicure. Let's all give him a hand! Reddish purple would not have been my choice, but the final result is awesome. WTG Drew!

I can't help but be a little sad, remembering the original Pretty Toes. Last year for Mother's Day Yasar got me a gift certificate for my first pedi ever. I was still pregnant then, Leila still safe and sound. At that point, I was still a week away from meeting my little angel. (sigh).

Jesus Says,

"Please recycle!"

Happy Earth Day!

(unrepentantly swiped from Jesus Needs a New PR)

Really, Really Good Flaxseed Bread

Ingredients:

1 tbsp dry yeast
1 3/4 cup warm water
2 tbsp sugar (organic if possible)
1 tbsp canola oil
1 tsp salt
1 cup ground flaxseed - I pulverize mine in a coffee grinder
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup unbleached AP flour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dissolve your yeast in the warm water mixed with the sugar. Make sure you get your kids to watch - it's really fascinating, and kids love to discuss how the yeast "burps" and "farts".


Add oil, salt, flaxseed, and one cup of whole wheat flour. Stir. Add second cup of ww flour, then your AP flour. Mix until incorporated.

Knead for at least 10 minutes by mechanical means or 15 minutes by hand, adding flour as needed to make a soft, slightly-sticky dough.

Rub some olive oil in a large bowl. Turn dough into bowl and flip around to get it coated with the oil. Cover with a towel and let rise in a warm place.

I fill my water pan with hot water and put it in the oven with the dough - makes a great incubator. (here it is with my sourdough starter, a story for another time).

Punch down, put into a greased loaf pan. Let rise again, covered.

Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 45 minutes. Let cool in the pan for about 5 minutes, then finish cooling on a wire rack.

Try (really, really try) to let it cool completely before slicing. And never, ever feel tempted by grocery store bread again.

Yesterday

Yesterday I was heading out of town on a milk run into the next county.

My route takes me right past our old house.

Usually I'm pretty good about turning my back on the past, but this time I made that right turn into our development. I just wanted to see our house again.

I came to the stop sign, looked down the street to our address, and saw it.

A truck in our driveway. Loading up the things we didn't take from the house.
It was like a shot to the gut.
Once upon a time, we had a dream in our hands....

Photographs

As the days tick down to Leila's birthday, it seems like all the grieving "progress" is going down the tubes.

I'm weepy. Always on the verge of tearing up. Oversensitive.

Is this normal?

The first line of "I Will Carry You" just echoes in my head.

"There were photographs I wanted to take..."

That photo of Leila at about 6 months old,

forehead to forehead with Yasar,

a little pink bow in her hair,

a look of adoration in his eyes.

I wanted to take that photograph so badly.

Usually it's hard to separate the sadness of infertility from the sadness of having a daughter in heaven.

That's not been the case lately.

I can SEE her in my mind. And I miss her so intensely.

God, please give my little girl a hug for me. Tell her how much I love her.

Our Organic Revolution, and a New Diet Experiment

Yesterday's dessert was an organic grapefruit that came from Happy Box. Never before had I tasted such a delicious grapefruit - sweet, soft, so juicy it ran all over my clothes. "This is the way food used to be", I thought. "It's a tragedy everyone can't have one of these, they would fall in love with grapefruit all over again."

Personally, this organic journey started as a means of being socially and environmentally responsible. The chemicals that farmers are using in our soils are slowly killing us. The best and fastest way to stop this is to vote with your dollars. So that's what we did.

Now this journey is growing into more. The food really does taste better! It's more vibrant and full of nutrients. The eggs, those beautiful deep yellow yolks. The milk. Oh, the fruits and veggies. You eat them and you feel as if you're bursting with life.

To go back to pale, insipid grocery store findings would be an insult to our bodies. As long as we have the money to keep this up, that will never happen again.

So I'm trying something new, weight-loss wise. For the last week, the amount of processed foods this family has eaten has dropped waaay down. We have an "alternate" schedule, so we don't often get the chance to do family dinners. But we're almost always together for breakfast, so we have a cooked, sit-down meal together first thing in the morning. My typical breakfast is a 1/4 cup of Bob's Red Mill muesli mixed with 3/4 cups homemade, full-fat yogurt. Add a tsp of pure coconut oil and a tsp of ground flaxseed. Then I take some nibbles of what the boys are eating (oat flour pancakes, eggs, labne, zatar, olives) and round it out with a piece of fruit.
Lunch is usually salad from Happy Box with some homemade Asian dressing (made in my new Pampered Chef Measure, Mix, and Pour - oh how I love thee!) and some wild caught salmon or chicken breast of questionable origin (GFS) with half an avocado and a slice of bread with butter. Dinner? Homemade fried rice, or minestrone, or some other leftover. And then usually there's a snack at night, either popcorn with evoo or a slab of fresh coconut and half an ounce of dark chocolate.

Now here's the kicker. I've lost weight. About 6 lbs in the last 10 days. And I'm not hungry. And I have a boatload of energy. This confounds Yasar - he doesn't see how it's possible. But it's absolutely true. Despite the high fat diet, the pounds are coming off.

True story: at the store the other say, I had one very dry turkey burger to choke down. Thinking it could use a little help, I dunked it in some of the BBQ sauce on the cut table. After finishing the meat, it was like my appetite woke up and I was instantly ravenous, looking for things to shove in my mouth. I will tell you the list of ingredients on the sauce container is long, and has lots of -ose endings. Take from that what you will.

I haven't come to any raw conclusions about this except that our bodies weren't designed to eat all the processed foods on the market today. Going back to unprocessed foods is working for me. I don't feel deprived - quite the opposite. And last night I took a 4-mile walk with my kid.

I feel like I'm getting my life back.

Miami River Foods Project Beta Box 2.1

MRFP Beta Box 2.1 In Da Howse! (my house, LOL!)
Sourdough bread with olives? Oh, baby....
Cheese, butter, and eggs.
My one little green egg (I'm saving it for Andrew).
Dry goodies - brown lentils, black beans, white basmati rice, and quinoa. All in green compostible bags.
Kamut? This is going to be something new for us.
Hopefully that's enough t.p. to get us through the month. It's not double-roll.
And my dinner tonight. The menfolk are in Columbus, so I got to sit down with some of that amazing colby cheese, a slab of sourdough bread with my spreadable butter (equal parts softened butter and evoo mixed together), a couple medjool dates from the Middle Eastern store (which are amazing, mushy and sweet - YUM!), a glass of zinfandel (thanks Shari!), and a well-loved book.

I am thankful. :)