Oh, last night was amazing! I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive! We laughed and hugged and celebrated that God had smiled on us!
And then I woke up.
I'm usually relieved to wake up from a dream. But this one, I wanted to crawl back under the covers and live in it. Pray that God would make it my reality. Go back to before waking up ruined my life.
God, hear my cry!
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ready for my Badge of Honor Now...
I swear, I deserve some kind of medal or award for sitting in my old OB's office and keeping it together. And even talking to Dr. C, who had no idea Leila wasn't here with us on earth anymore (he strictly does GYN, while Dr. O does both OB and GYN).
It's not lost on me that, since Leila was not technically 20 weeks and therefore could not be listed as a stillbirth, the OBGYN history shows me as having "surgery" 5/21/09.
Ouch. OUCH!
I HAD A BABY, PEOPLE!
Anyway, Dr. C. is scheduling bloodwork on in a few weeks to catch me midcycle and see where my hormones are at. AND he wants to do a pap, even though I'm not due for one until July. His concern is that abnormal pap I got on my first pregnancy visit with Leila, even though the follow-up was normal.
Let's just pray that Blue Cross/Blue Shield covers this. My health insurance has no maternity rider. Not that, at this point, it's me trying to get pregnant. I've no doubt that eventually it will evolve into that, but right now it's just about figuring out why my body is acting the way it is.
At this moment, I'm just emotionally drained. And more than due for a big glass of vino. I'll take that over a medal any day.
It's not lost on me that, since Leila was not technically 20 weeks and therefore could not be listed as a stillbirth, the OBGYN history shows me as having "surgery" 5/21/09.
Ouch. OUCH!
I HAD A BABY, PEOPLE!
Anyway, Dr. C. is scheduling bloodwork on in a few weeks to catch me midcycle and see where my hormones are at. AND he wants to do a pap, even though I'm not due for one until July. His concern is that abnormal pap I got on my first pregnancy visit with Leila, even though the follow-up was normal.
Let's just pray that Blue Cross/Blue Shield covers this. My health insurance has no maternity rider. Not that, at this point, it's me trying to get pregnant. I've no doubt that eventually it will evolve into that, but right now it's just about figuring out why my body is acting the way it is.
At this moment, I'm just emotionally drained. And more than due for a big glass of vino. I'll take that over a medal any day.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Some Concerns
First, I seem to have lost my muse. It's challenge enough to pull together my weekly blog over at Almost Frugal - I just don't seem to have much to say otherwise. At least, not anything new or exciting.
I miss her. A lot. As her birthday creeps closer, my emotions are closer to the surface. I'm dreading Mother's Day, which will also be a baby dedication at our church. Might just have to skip that one.
But, before M-Day, the GYN. (men, please feel free to scroll down.) Ever since about CD12ish, I've been spotting. The internet is a wonderful and scary thing, with its wealth of conflicting medical information. So I made an appointment with my GYN for Wednesday. Combine the spotting with the inability to lose weight, (extreme) irritability, infertility, and a few other symptoms that I'll spare you, and I'm wondering if there's a progesterone deficiency. When I was pregnant with Leila I was diagnosed with LP and put on suppositories until we got to 14 weeks. I'm not making excuses, and this isn't as much about getting pregnant as finding out what's going on (not that I'd sneeze at a BFP).
Until then, I'll keep up my organic, borderline-vegetarian diet and my daily 4-mile walks. And the head scratching as to why the scale refuses to budge. And hopefully Dr. C will be able to shine some light on my situation.
One funny thing that happened today. We didn't plan ahead and ended up starving and out of town. Stopped at a Chinese buffet. I had the HARDEST time eating there. Just looking at all the fat and cheese and fried stuff was nauseating. They had a Mongolian grill, I loaded up with veg and some noodles, got to the meats, and just could not put any of that protein on my plate. I watched a trailer for a movie called Earthlings, and that's all I had flashing through my head (if you like to eat meat or have an affinity for animals, don't Google this. It's like the Faces of Death of the industrial meat industry. You've been warned.) So there I sat, with my sad little bowl of wonton soup and my veggie noodle stirfry. Yasar and I looked at each other and it was clear: we'd completely lost whatever enjoyment we once had in regards to eating out.
That's all, Folks! Emily out...
I miss her. A lot. As her birthday creeps closer, my emotions are closer to the surface. I'm dreading Mother's Day, which will also be a baby dedication at our church. Might just have to skip that one.
But, before M-Day, the GYN. (men, please feel free to scroll down.) Ever since about CD12ish, I've been spotting. The internet is a wonderful and scary thing, with its wealth of conflicting medical information. So I made an appointment with my GYN for Wednesday. Combine the spotting with the inability to lose weight, (extreme) irritability, infertility, and a few other symptoms that I'll spare you, and I'm wondering if there's a progesterone deficiency. When I was pregnant with Leila I was diagnosed with LP and put on suppositories until we got to 14 weeks. I'm not making excuses, and this isn't as much about getting pregnant as finding out what's going on (not that I'd sneeze at a BFP).
Until then, I'll keep up my organic, borderline-vegetarian diet and my daily 4-mile walks. And the head scratching as to why the scale refuses to budge. And hopefully Dr. C will be able to shine some light on my situation.
One funny thing that happened today. We didn't plan ahead and ended up starving and out of town. Stopped at a Chinese buffet. I had the HARDEST time eating there. Just looking at all the fat and cheese and fried stuff was nauseating. They had a Mongolian grill, I loaded up with veg and some noodles, got to the meats, and just could not put any of that protein on my plate. I watched a trailer for a movie called Earthlings, and that's all I had flashing through my head (if you like to eat meat or have an affinity for animals, don't Google this. It's like the Faces of Death of the industrial meat industry. You've been warned.) So there I sat, with my sad little bowl of wonton soup and my veggie noodle stirfry. Yasar and I looked at each other and it was clear: we'd completely lost whatever enjoyment we once had in regards to eating out.
That's all, Folks! Emily out...
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Crying Game
This whole weekend (and today) has been one sopping, tear-soaked moment followed by the next.
I miss my little girl SO BAD.
I desperately want to be pregnant again.
I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.
And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.
So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.
Life's not fair.
People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.
People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.
Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.
I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.
But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.
I miss my little girl SO BAD.
I desperately want to be pregnant again.
I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.
And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.
So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.
Life's not fair.
People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.
People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.
Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.
I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.
But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Raw
It's odd to me to feel so emotional again. I really thought I had a hold of my grief, instead of the other way around.
Today found me just begging God for that next chance to be a mommy again. Begging like I imagine Sarai begged. Tears rolling down my face. And God led me to the booklet that Anita gave me, that precious booklet of verses that I carry with me in my purse.
I stopped, and asked God to lead me to the verse, to speak to my heart. I opened it at random...
Phillippians 4:6-9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. ...And the peace of God will be with you.
Wow. Wow wow wow! I feel so humbled. And so privileged, that God would speak to me that openly. It's easy, when your heart is dying inside you, to think that God doesn't care about you. That nobody cares or understands you.
And then I remember He knows what it's like to lose a child.
Today found me just begging God for that next chance to be a mommy again. Begging like I imagine Sarai begged. Tears rolling down my face. And God led me to the booklet that Anita gave me, that precious booklet of verses that I carry with me in my purse.
I stopped, and asked God to lead me to the verse, to speak to my heart. I opened it at random...
Phillippians 4:6-9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. ...And the peace of God will be with you.
Wow. Wow wow wow! I feel so humbled. And so privileged, that God would speak to me that openly. It's easy, when your heart is dying inside you, to think that God doesn't care about you. That nobody cares or understands you.
And then I remember He knows what it's like to lose a child.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Lurking Around Every Corner....
Do not, for even one second, think that I'm doing great. I'm not over losing my little girl. But I'm learning to live with loss and moving on.
It seems like, every once in awhile, something triggers an all-out surprise bawl-fest.
Today it was googling foods to avoid while TTC. Somehow I landed on BabyCenter, and they proceeded to tell me I'm 31 weeks pregnant. My little girl is 16 inches and 3.3 lbs.
My heart breaks anew, every time I run into something like that.
And these little landmines are everywhere.
It seems like, every once in awhile, something triggers an all-out surprise bawl-fest.
Today it was googling foods to avoid while TTC. Somehow I landed on BabyCenter, and they proceeded to tell me I'm 31 weeks pregnant. My little girl is 16 inches and 3.3 lbs.
My heart breaks anew, every time I run into something like that.
And these little landmines are everywhere.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
TTC bits
Yasar and I want to have another baby.
I believe with all my heart that God has one for us, and is waiting for that right moment to bless us again. But I don't believe He's going to do His work when we expect it. So any traditional fertility treatments are probably not going to happen.
That being said...
Last week, my husband was at a business meeting with other professionals from different occupations. And the speaker was a local chiropractor.
Dr. Josh spent lots of time talking about so many different facets of health, and how they're all controlled by your spinal column.
Including fertility.
DingDingDing! Bells and whistles start going off in Yasar's head.
So I went to my first appointment Monday. They took x-rays (Aunt Flo had arrived that morning, before you ask), and later that evening I went back for the interpretation.
The verdict? In a nutshell, my spine's a mess. And Dr. Josh is going to fix me up, good as new.
Now, going to the chiropractor sucks. I hate the little zappy pads. Not too wild about the rolly table, either. Having the Doc sit on me? Uhhh, well, he's cute, so we'll let that go. Hearing my neck crack? Ugh! Sounds like popcorn in my head!
Will it help us have a baby? Hmmmm...
Also, as a side note, I looked back in my food diary from when we conceived Leila. And I'm trying to mimic that diet again. High fiber, normal fat intake of good, healthy fats. Low on the processed foods. Consequently, the buzz is this will also help Andrew's attention span and impulsive behavior. We're also going to take a stab at eliminating dairy from our diets. With homeschooling, we should be able to get a fairly full picture of the benefits of this new diet.
With us luck!
I believe with all my heart that God has one for us, and is waiting for that right moment to bless us again. But I don't believe He's going to do His work when we expect it. So any traditional fertility treatments are probably not going to happen.
That being said...
Last week, my husband was at a business meeting with other professionals from different occupations. And the speaker was a local chiropractor.
Dr. Josh spent lots of time talking about so many different facets of health, and how they're all controlled by your spinal column.
Including fertility.
DingDingDing! Bells and whistles start going off in Yasar's head.
So I went to my first appointment Monday. They took x-rays (Aunt Flo had arrived that morning, before you ask), and later that evening I went back for the interpretation.
The verdict? In a nutshell, my spine's a mess. And Dr. Josh is going to fix me up, good as new.
Now, going to the chiropractor sucks. I hate the little zappy pads. Not too wild about the rolly table, either. Having the Doc sit on me? Uhhh, well, he's cute, so we'll let that go. Hearing my neck crack? Ugh! Sounds like popcorn in my head!
Will it help us have a baby? Hmmmm...
Also, as a side note, I looked back in my food diary from when we conceived Leila. And I'm trying to mimic that diet again. High fiber, normal fat intake of good, healthy fats. Low on the processed foods. Consequently, the buzz is this will also help Andrew's attention span and impulsive behavior. We're also going to take a stab at eliminating dairy from our diets. With homeschooling, we should be able to get a fairly full picture of the benefits of this new diet.
With us luck!
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