Happy Birthday, Little Angel

We had the florist fill the balloons with forget-me-not seeds - I hope a plants bloom and Leila fills Troy with tiny blue flowers.  Maybe someone will see one and wonder.  I hope.

Love you, sweet little girl.  Till we meet again.

Some Concerns

First, I seem to have lost my muse. It's challenge enough to pull together my weekly blog over at Almost Frugal - I just don't seem to have much to say otherwise. At least, not anything new or exciting.

I miss her. A lot. As her birthday creeps closer, my emotions are closer to the surface. I'm dreading Mother's Day, which will also be a baby dedication at our church. Might just have to skip that one.

But, before M-Day, the GYN. (men, please feel free to scroll down.) Ever since about CD12ish, I've been spotting. The internet is a wonderful and scary thing, with its wealth of conflicting medical information. So I made an appointment with my GYN for Wednesday. Combine the spotting with the inability to lose weight, (extreme) irritability, infertility, and a few other symptoms that I'll spare you, and I'm wondering if there's a progesterone deficiency. When I was pregnant with Leila I was diagnosed with LP and put on suppositories until we got to 14 weeks. I'm not making excuses, and this isn't as much about getting pregnant as finding out what's going on (not that I'd sneeze at a BFP).

Until then, I'll keep up my organic, borderline-vegetarian diet and my daily 4-mile walks. And the head scratching as to why the scale refuses to budge. And hopefully Dr. C will be able to shine some light on my situation.

One funny thing that happened today. We didn't plan ahead and ended up starving and out of town. Stopped at a Chinese buffet. I had the HARDEST time eating there. Just looking at all the fat and cheese and fried stuff was nauseating. They had a Mongolian grill, I loaded up with veg and some noodles, got to the meats, and just could not put any of that protein on my plate. I watched a trailer for a movie called Earthlings, and that's all I had flashing through my head (if you like to eat meat or have an affinity for animals, don't Google this. It's like the Faces of Death of the industrial meat industry. You've been warned.) So there I sat, with my sad little bowl of wonton soup and my veggie noodle stirfry. Yasar and I looked at each other and it was clear: we'd completely lost whatever enjoyment we once had in regards to eating out.

That's all, Folks! Emily out...

Photographs

As the days tick down to Leila's birthday, it seems like all the grieving "progress" is going down the tubes.

I'm weepy. Always on the verge of tearing up. Oversensitive.

Is this normal?

The first line of "I Will Carry You" just echoes in my head.

"There were photographs I wanted to take..."

That photo of Leila at about 6 months old,

forehead to forehead with Yasar,

a little pink bow in her hair,

a look of adoration in his eyes.

I wanted to take that photograph so badly.

Usually it's hard to separate the sadness of infertility from the sadness of having a daughter in heaven.

That's not been the case lately.

I can SEE her in my mind. And I miss her so intensely.

God, please give my little girl a hug for me. Tell her how much I love her.

10 Months

Thinking of you today, precious little girl.

Evidence of God's Wisdom

I am thankful to God for shielding me from this song until recently. My heart could not have taken hearing it even 2 months ago. Even though it's closing in on ten months since she left for heaven, this song still leaves me sobbing.

I miss you, baby girl. Still thinking of you all the time. Hope you're enjoying God's photo albums.

Hey Jealousy!

I've finally found the perfect shelf for Leila's things.

It's a work in progress. More pictures on that to come.

Yasar and I were discussing the project, and he said how jealous Andrew is of me doing things like this.

I was absolutely gobsmacked! Andrew's jealous of what little I have of my daughter? His sister?

Yes, according to Yasar Andrew doesn't like the attention I give to Leila's memory.

Okay, I can understand the tattoo. That's not really fair to get inked with her name and not his. And I concede on that point. As much as I want to, I'm not going under the needle this summer.

But in regards to the shelf, her pictures, the precious few tangible memories I have, he's just going to have to suck it up.

Anyone else faced this problem? Or am I alone?

Leila's Collage

Jessica, thank you. It's so beautiful. We'd been looking for something to frame, and this is perfect! God bless you!

Looking Forward, Looking Back

Now, I'm an old lady. On the cusp of the dreaded 35 (6 more days! Eeek!). So no, I did not stay up last night to watch a lighted ball lowered in NYC. I was in bed, dreaming the dreams Nyquil provides (yeah, I'm sick, too).

But before bed I had an interesting reaction to the new year. One would think, after as crappy as this year has been, I'd be all too happy to put this sucker to rest and start anew, right?

Uhhh...

I had a mini-anxiety attack last night.

2009 was a shit year,

but it was the year I held my daughter.

I wasn't ready to let that go yet.

I feel like I've been pushed into the next year.

Forcefully.

2009 will always be the year that I held Leila.

In my belly. In my arms.

Going forward into 2010, I can only hold her in my heart.

Almost

Today Andrew and I met some friends at Boonshoft Museum for a playdate/mommy get together. We had a great, pretty unremarkable time - until the last 15 minutes.

We were on our way out when this darling little brunette girl, probably around 3-4 years old, came up to me with a very sad look in her eyes. It turns out somehow she got separated from her family. My friend Christine went to the office to grab an employee (we were on the second floor, and the little girl wouldn't go to the office on the first floor with us - as it should be, mom taught her well not to leave with strangers). The employee came and took her downstairs to the office, Andrew practically glued to her side. He was not letting that little girl out of his sight!

They didn't even get around to paging her mom over the loudspeaker before a distraught woman barged into the office to claim her lost daughter. Andrew was right there through the whole thing, and we were within sight of the whole reunion as we browsed the adjoining giftshop.

Andrew came up to me after mom and daughter went back to having fun. He said, "mom, I almost had a sister".

Ouch. All that time, I thought he was just being protective. But I guess he was of the "finders, keepers" mindset, waiting for that little girl to be unclaimed so we could take her home with us.

And then the employee who reunited the mom and daughter had to come over and compliment me on Andrew's manners, and made a comment about how he said he had a sister but she died.

Of course I start to tear up (in fact, I'm doing it right now). I don't often see how Leila has affected Andrew...but when I do, it's so painful for me.

We talked about it on the way home, about how taking a girl from her mommy would be wrong, and God would be bringing us our own little girl. My advice to him was to pray about it. God has a way of listening to that child. I said it was up to God to give us that gift.

And he said, "but it's up to you and daddy to do....um...that thing I'm not allowed to talk about."

Weirdest feeling in the world, crying and giggling at the same time.

Christmas 2009

Before the chaos begins.

Thank you, Nanny! I love it!
And Aunt Beth, I couldn't wait to put this on!
My bling-bling from Andrew. I'm gonna need a security guard to walk around with this on!
(hmmm, I wonder if he's a Bengals fan...)
Fun to decorate, not-so-fun to eat.
Tiger's glad the presents are gone so he can get back to normal.
Making kibbe with daddy.
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
My candles burned all day, remembering my little angel, and the angels of all my friends. Merry Christmas, my Leila. I know you're celebrating at an awesome birthday party in heaven!

The Angel on Top of the Tree

Merry Christmas, little angel. Mommy loves you.

One More Day

....First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you...

~One More Day, Diamond Rio

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow shared how she's spend one more day with her little angel Bryston, and invited us to imagine the same.

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"...Last night I had a crazy dream.
A wish was granted just for me, it could be for anything..."

I'm sound asleep, snuggled up next to my husband. The house is quiet. I'm dreaming about that last kick I heard. My daughter's last goodbye. Crying in my sleep, clutching my Leila Bear. And God speaks. "One day." My bladder is slowly lifting me to consciousness. I awaken, just enough to stumble to the bathroom. Crawl back into bed. Reach for Leila Bear. Reaching... what the heck?

Riffling through the blankets. Nothing. Getting more and more awake, more disturbed. Then I hear the rustle from the corner of the bedroom. A whimper. There's a big, boxy shadow over there that wasn't there before.

"Yasar!" I hiss. "What IS that?" He mumbles, rolls over in bed. The whimper again, then a more demanding cry. A hungry baby cry. I'm on my feet like a shot, mercilessly jostling my husband.

"It's her!" As soon as I realize, her little head pops into view. As if conjured by my words. She's so beautiful - sleep-tousled brunette curls, espresso eyes. Long lashes and pursed lips. Her chin starts to quiver out her need, but I've got her scooped into my arms before the next cry can be born. Pink footie pajamas. Soggy diaper. Scent of Balmex and Baby Wash. Letdown.

I bring Leila back into our bed. Begin nursing her. Filling up my eyes with her, my nose. Stroking that fine, soft hair. That ripe peach skin. Memorizing how her little cheeks work as she fills her tummy. We fall asleep, Leila nursing between Yasar and I.


I can't write this. It doesn't feel like truth. Ever since Leila's due date, I've put the "what if" thoughts away. I've never really imagined what she'd be like as a newborn, an infant. Someday I will receive the gift of seeing how she turned out. Until then, I really just prefer to be thankful to God that she's in heaven waiting for me.

The White Roses

All of the earth's Mothers were gathered at God's garden of flowers; those beautiful budding spirits who could someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the Holy garden.

A Loving Father spoke to the Mothers of earth. "See the works of my hands. Someday you will be the mother's of these radiant spirits."

The Garden of God glowed with a mixture of all of the colors.

"Choose ye", He said.

Now in the East corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart.

One by One the Mothers stepped forward; "I want the blue eyes one, the curly haired one,
who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion."

Yet another chose a brown eyed brown haired boy, full of life and love that would someday be a prince in a grand country.

The Garden buzzed with excitement as the others with their own special spirits, those they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an earthy home.

Once again, Heavenly Father spoke; "But who will take the White Roses, the ones in the east corner of my garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your home for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong to me but they will gain bodies as planned. You will miss them and long for them but I will personally care for them."

"NO!,NOT I" many of the earthly Mothers said in unison. "I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon."

"Nor I" said other mothers. "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."

The Heavenly Father looked out across the multitude of Mothers with longing in his eyes for someone to step forward.

SILENCE!

Then Heavenly Father said; "See the most pure white and perfect of all the white ones? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is my OWN. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"

A few mothers stepped forward, "Yes Lord I will"; then another as well. And then some in unison said "YES, we will." Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choice in their mothers.

Heavenly Father spoke again. "Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses. Your pain will be a Heavy Cross to bear but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can understand at this time.

The white ones embraced their mothers and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such excitement. Each mother knew they could endure the tasks. The GREATEST of all the white roses gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones and their mothers as he prepared them for their task.

Each mother who bore the weight of the white rose felt the overwhelming love of God as they all shouted"Thy Will be Done"

Thank you, Misty, for sharing this. It reminds me of an old miscarriage saying, "Budded on earth to bloom in Heaven". I'm so blessed to have been chosen for a white rose!

Walking With You - Thankful

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

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1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

~Count Your Blessings, Johnson Oatman Jr, 1897

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I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.

I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.

I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.

I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.

I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.

I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.

I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".

I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.

And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?

I Cor 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Missing Her

This week has been a stew of unproductive emotions.

Yesterday I cried over Leila. It's an unfamiliar feeling anymore.

I'm so envious of my friend, Melissa. Who had her adorable little boy two days ago.

I wonder why I was chosen for this burden.

Then I thank God I was chosen, instead of one of my friends.

It's better for me to go through the pain than to watch someone I love suffer.

Today a customer asked me if Andrew was my only child.

I said no, I have a little girl who waits for me in heaven.

I told the lady not to be uncomfortable with my answer. I'm okay. But I will never verbally disown my daughter again.

I'm so proud of that little girl! I know she's just like her big brother, and charming the socks off everyone in heaven.

I know she's adored. Because I adored her here, for the 19 weeks and 5 days I had her.

I still sleep with the teddy bear that holds her earthly remains every night.

I even had a Christmas tree ornament made, with her picture on it.

If I live to be 100, there will never be a day that I don't think about that precious face.

Those tiny toes. That sharp chin. Her button nose.

Losing her is the greatest tragedy of my life. She took a piece of my heart with her. I will not be complete until we're together again.

I live for that day.

"Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl"
~SCC, Heaven is the Face

Remembering....

One for Leila, one for 8/2005 miscarriage, one for 6/2005 suspected miscarriage. Loving you, babies!

More Due Date Pictures

My friend Jaime launched a balloon to Leila, and to her little girl Sydney, filled with love from both of us. Thank you, sister. I love you!

And these are the shots Anita took. She has an overwhelming talent for reaching straight to the heart with her photography. I am truly blessed to call her friend.




Leila, you were well remembered here on earth yesterday. Probably nothing compared to the party in heaven, but we;ll take what we can. Miss you, beautiful girl.

The Due Date is Dun.

Leila's day.

I awoke to the smells of pepperbeef slowly cooking in the crockpot.

Showered. Got my early morning grocery run in.

Arranged the desserts. Loaded the boys and the food into the car.

Off to the hospital.

Met up with Julie at the door. She let us into the break room. Helped me plug in the crockpot and spread out the goodies.

She got paged to go catch a baby. That kind of hurt, thinking it could have been me. Should have been.

Had a chance to hug my new friend and fellow DBM D'Anna. The latest in this incredible support system that has sprung from UVMC for me.

Anita showed up with these beautiful mums. The kind that always remind me of grempop's garden. Pink, yellow, deepest scarlet.

And a gift.

It's called "Safe in the Arms of Jesus". And it made me cry.

Saw my nurse Darla, and introduced her to my daughter. Thanked her - without her, I wouldn't have that tiny urn that means so much to me. Hugs. More tears.

And bumped into Dr. Ocampo, still in her baby-catching gear. She remembered me (amazing, since this woman - no, this saint - has a huge clientele). More hugs and words of encouragement.

And we went off to the Healing Garden (which used to be the hospital courtyard) to take the pictures that Anita knew meant the world to me. Pictures of Andrew and Leila. And Yasar and his daughter.Afterward we had the pleasure of Anita and her husband Chuck's company at El Rancho Grande. We were there for hours, and yet it passed in a blink. God, thank you for bringing these amazing people into my life!

And then a visit from Christine. She brought this delicate little rose plant. Tiny pink roses. Just the same color I imagine Leila's lips to be.

The only thing I needed to make this day perfect would have been a hug from Nikki. But I expect to collect one of those soon. :)

God, you are soverign. You knew exactly who I would need in my life to get through this horrible time. I thank You so much for providing these, and so many others, who continually lift me up and help me walk. Who allow me to express myself without judgement. Who are always eager to assist in any way. I pray that you rain blessings on those people.

And I pray that You will help me pass Your blessing on to others. To help others walking this path, all the while pointing to You. You know who I have on my heart right now. I pray that you'll be with her and her husband, show her that, while this road sucks, it has moments of beauty and peace. That we can grow from this experience, and reflect Your love through our actions. And that, despite the pain of losing our babies, all things work together for Your purpose.

Amen.

Getting Ready

It's almost time!

It's almost here!

Is it weird that I'm so excited about Leila's due date?

I've got happy plans. Not sad plans.

Like that book said, I'm turning "why?" into "what now?"

Andrew's helping me cook:

And we've been making lots of teeny, tiny baby blankets:

The MOD bracelets are here (look, Jennie! I'm repurposing your gift bag! It's perfect):


And I'm just praying that Lea's Angel Wings make it on time.

I've only really let my mind wander a little, imagining where we'd be if we hadn't lost her. More than likely, she'd already be here. I'd be tired, but so happy. Andrew would be the proud big brother, and Yasar would be falling in love all over again.

We're missing you, Leila. And we're so happy you're enjoying heaven. We'll see you soon!

A New Perspective

God has been working hard to get me to see something.

This past week has been a sad one. Lots of tears, more anger than I want to admit. But in the interest of full disclosure, I'm mad at God. Disgusted with Him right now. He's failed me. Left me with this broken heart instead of the precious child I expected.

A friend dropped off a book for me.

Safe In the Arms of God.

At first I scoffed. I've never questioned where Leila is today. My pain has never been about that question. It's been completely selfish.

I hurt. How do I deal with that?

Halfway through the book, it started to make sense.

I should be rejoicing that Leila will never experience a moment of disappointment. A tiny bit of pain. A fraction of anger.

I should be ecstatic that she's whole. Perfect. Mature. In God's Presence.

Cherished in heaven, far more than she could ever have been here on earth.

Then the pastor's sermon today, about rejoicing through grief.

The beauty of being a child of God, knowing our pain is temporary. Someday it will be gone, never to return. Being reminded that God may be using my grief as a teaching tool, honing me for some purpose. Causing me to rely completely on Him. Refocusing me.

And the clincher. K-Love's Encouraging Word for today:

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NLT

Clearly He's trying to get through to me.

I've had more peace today than in the last few weeks.

I just pray it continues.