Yesterday

Yesterday I was heading out of town on a milk run into the next county.

My route takes me right past our old house.

Usually I'm pretty good about turning my back on the past, but this time I made that right turn into our development. I just wanted to see our house again.

I came to the stop sign, looked down the street to our address, and saw it.

A truck in our driveway. Loading up the things we didn't take from the house.
It was like a shot to the gut.
Once upon a time, we had a dream in our hands....

Invincible

Friday's seem to be the State of the Union in our marriage. We work, side by side, making upwards of 70 pepperoni pizzas to feed the hungry students of Troy Christian School. It's often the only time Yasar and I have to just talk.

This past Friday was enlightening. He made the statement, "Five years ago, we were invincible."

Money in the bank.

Credit scores in the high 700's.

Business sales were great.

Waiting until Andrew was 18 months old before adding to our family.

Building a new house.

What a difference 5 years can make. Foreclosure, bankruptcy, infertility, pregnancy loss, stagnant sales at the store. Bank account with nothing in it but moths.

Humility. Teamwork. Empathy. Growth and maturity that can only be earned through struggle. A love for each other that has been proven to withstand. A love for God that surpasses anything we've ever experienced. Those very painful lessons were clearly worth it.

Today, while singing "How Great Is Our God" at church, it became obvious. We've become invincible, finally. We are now invincible with God at our sides.

2 Cor 12:19 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I Can't Wait!

I really don't understand my emotional state right now. Foreclosure is supposed to be such a heartbreaking time, losing your home - the investment, the security.

So why am I practically giddy?

I can't wait to leave this house. To move in to something smaller. To never see most of these neighbors again.

This house was always way too big for me. At 2700 square feet, with 4 bedrooms and 2.5 baths, when we built this place we really expected to fill it up with kids. And, since it's a "new build", it lacks the charm I'm more accustomed to. Every room is a box with no identifying marks. I grew up in a house loaded to the hilt with character, and I've always mourned that loss with our house.

I can't wait to start fitting our lives into half the square footage.

I can't wait to live in a neighborhood conducive to traveling by foot or by bike. If you want to go anywhere on this side of town we're on now, you have to cross over the interstate. And there's only two ways to do that - the dangerous way, and the longer-but-still-not-very-safe way.

I can't wait to hop on my bike and head to the grocery store, the movie theater, our church. Biking with Andrew to the park, or the library, or even to the store to see dad.

I just can't wait!

Stepping Out In Faith

Generosity has been the topic in church these last few weeks.

It's a conviction that's constantly stabbing my heart. It's been a long time since we've had an income to tithe from. I hate not being able to give what I owe, especially to God.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, God spoke to me. He asked me to believe in Him, to trust Him.

My little cheesecake venture was just getting off the ground.

So I promised Him that every penny I took in between then and the next Sunday would go into our church's harvest offering.

That was so hard. Especially when I needed ingredients to fill incoming orders and didn't really have the money to pay for them. It felt like Satan was tempting me at every turn that week.

But I kept my promise. I walked proudly and tearfully to the front of the church that next Sunday with my husband at my side, our envelope containing our widow's mite clutched in our hands.

I believed that God would bless me for my faithfulness. I believed that it would be a blessing in the form of more cheesecake orders.

And it was. The few days between Sunday and Wednesday were exhausting. I made and sold 24 cheesecakes in 4 days. I am so grateful to God for His faithfulness.

But that wasn't all. I don't necessarily believe in prosperity gospel, but God made a solid argument for it Monday.

The church secretary stopped at the store to give Yasar and I an envelope that was left for us at the church.

An anonymous envelope. Containing $500 cash.

If I could explain the thoughts and emotions that I experienced, opening that envelope. My Father cares so deeply for me. How He loves us!

I know He will carry is through this next test. The one that's no longer on the horizon. It's here.

The store is failing. Whether it's due to the economy, or the new competition moving into town, it doesn't really matter. We've had two of the worst weeks imaginable, and no resources to pull from to make it up. We need a miracle of Biblical proportions to keep the business going.

And I think about the foreclosure, and the fact that our house is up for sheriff's sale, but is not yet on the list. I wonder if this isn't God's timing. His plan. It all fits together a little too conveniently to pass it off as coincidence.

My mom told me yesterday that my dad's got an appointment with the heart specialist this week. That his PCP ran an EKG on him and must have a concern with the results. A few years ago he had a quadruple bypass, and he's an uncontrolled diabetic.

I wonder if God's not setting the stage for us to move back to Pennsylvania.

I trust Him. Whatever is coming, He's shown me in a very palpable way that He's in control.

Stepping out in faith is becoming a habit.

Cottage Industry

What's been keeping me so busy lately?

Why, cheesecakes, of course!

You all know how hard these last few months have been for us. Between the economy, the cheap-o competition moving into town, bankruptcy, losing the house, losing Leila...wow, I'm really glad I'm not one of those people compelled to write an update letter to send with my Christmas cards!

Anyway, I prayed. I want to get this certain game for Andrew for Christmas. And, with no income to speak of, I was pulling my hair out, trying to figure out how.

As always, God provided.

When we built this house, my husband wanted to honor my creative side and spent $2300 on an almost-top of the live oven. And I spent about a year perfecting my cheesecake method.

(perfecting - that's funny. many times they still don't come out perfect!)

I threw it out there on Facebook, asking friends if they would be willing to purchase my cheesecakes.

That was about a week ago. Since then, I've sold 15 cheesecakes, and have another 10 orders behind it.

And I'm happy, you know?

It's so nice to feel like I'm doing something productive. I get up at 5am, plug my mp3 player in my ears, worship and talk to God. My kitchen is so much cleaner.

Of course, it makes it hard to stay on Weight Watchers. But I'm working on that.

So, that's why it's been so quiet here. If you're nosy (I sure am!) and on Facebook, you can look up my menu by searching for "cheesecakes by emily". Leave some input - what do you think would be a great cheesecake flavor? Or just leave a little note of encouragement. Those are always cherished. And while you're there, make me your friend. :)

BFD

No, not big f***ing deal. That was sooo 25 years ago.

Bankruptcy~foreclosure~divorce.

The Triple Whammy.

Because that's how it usually goes down, right?

How about the DBBFD?

A huge serving of BFD preceded by an appetizer of Dead Baby.

Too much has happened in to short a time.

I don't relate to my husband.

And I don't particularly care.

I feel like I've sacrificed everything for his ego, his dreams

and we have NOTHING to show for it.

And I just can't be blamed for that anymore.

He says I've stopped caring about things.

In some ways, that's good.

All the drama from PA this summer has just rolled off, never really registering to begin with.

But, when it comes to him "not feeling the love" from me, it's not desirable.

He actually used the D word yesterday.

Maybe he finally gets it?

Ready

We built our home in the winter of 2004/2005. When we moved in, it seemed idyllic. The perfect place to raise a family. Lots of space, there were only 5 houses on the cul-de-sac, the neighbor kids were very nice. It was a nice, quiet neighborhood.

And then more houses went up.

And more neighbors moved in.

More kids. Older kids.

Older kids whose parents maybe weren't as attentive to their kids' behavior.

Aw, crap. I'm just going to spell it out. Parents who didn't care a fig about their kid's moral base. Whose kids were brats and bullies. Meanwhile they looked the other way. It's easier to do that, you know.

Not ever saying Andrew's completely innocent. Far from it. The difference is I address the behavior when it comes up.

Wells Fargo, you want to come and take my house?

It's all yours.

I'm gonna go find a neighborhood with some decent kids. Kids I don't have to constantly worry about negatively influencing Andrew. Or threatening to beat him up. Hopefully a neighborhood with parents who care about how their children are being brought up.

I am sooo ready to move.

I Remember When....

Once upon a time, I was standing on top of the world.

I had everything. A great husband, a healthy baby on the way, opportunities gleaming golden all over the horizon.

A perfect, textbook pregnancy, delivery, son.

A new business with a bright future.

A giant home, with many bedrooms just waiting to be filled.

And no reason to think that would be a challenge, filling those rooms with the cries of babies.

Once upon a time.

I'm blessed, I still have a great husband and a perfect son.

But the business? It's so-so.

Not enough to provide for us, but just profitable enough to make it hard to walk away.

Not that we're walking away. Please don't assume that.

But the riches we dreamed of? That pot of gold? Still hiding at the end of the rainbow.

My giant house is going to be sold to the highest bidder in less than a week.

My waiting bedrooms will have someone else filling them with joyful children.

Unless we get our papers filed in time. But even then, it only postpones the inevitable.

Someday, before we even have to put up next year's calendar, we'll be moving.

In a way, I'm looking forward to it.

A fresh start. A change of scenery.

Hopefully moving closer to downtown.

Getting away from this neighborhood and the rotten kids that torture my son.

Maybe torture's a harsh word. Influence negatively?

However this all goes down, I know that our story will only end one way...

....and they all lived happily ever after.

Because that's the only way it can end, right?

Right!?!

The Crying Game

This whole weekend (and today) has been one sopping, tear-soaked moment followed by the next.

I miss my little girl SO BAD.

I desperately want to be pregnant again.

I can't for the life of me figure out what the flip is wrong with my family. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where I just don't give a crap anymore. You know who you are.

And I've just spent the last two hours mired in paperwork, the likes of which I never in my life expected to be filling out.

So I've got Eminem screaming in my ears, the only music on my mp3 player angry enough to match my mood right now.

Life's not fair.

People are throwing their newborns away, when I'd give everything I have to still have my little girl safe in my womb.

People get pregnant so easily, too easily, and then abort their babies.

Families should be supportive instead of drumming up unnecessary drama on a woman walking the edge of a high cliff. You'd think they'd understand that I'm still grieving and put aside their pathetic agendas for just one minute. But no, not mine.

I have all I need. My God, my husband, my son. Everything else is just noise.

But I've had so much to cry about this weekend. Seeing an old friend and meeting her new daughter, Piper. Church. Lots of deep conversations with Yasar. And nothing. Just crying for no particular reason.

Foreclosure Watch - TickTickTickTick.....

Sheriff's Sale 9/9/09.

After the events of this year, this is but a blip.

Taking The First Step

Today was our appointment with the housing counselor.

The Reader's Digest version is that Yasar would have to make about double what he pays himself for us to realistically keep the house. We've pretty much been advised that bankruptcy is going to be our best option. Sure, it will drop a nuclear bomb on our credit ratings. But we were told there's not too much further down we can go than where we're currently at, FICO-wise.

The good news is we have a few more months in the house. I thought we'd have to be packed and out of the house in the next 3 weeks!

So, first thing, we're going to contact an arbitration board and try to work something out with our lender.

Then we need to consult with a lawyer for both the business and the personal finances. They're hopelessly intertwined, and we need to get some of this untangled before we make that appointment.

We're also going to be contacting someone to mentor us with our business, maybe they can direct us towards some of these new government programs that Obama has unrolled this past month.

This is going to suck. But Yasar and I are going to stick together. We've basically already faced the worst-case scenario, and we're prepared to stare it down together.

The New Face of Foreclosure

Well, it finally happened. Last week the sheriff showed up with out walking papers. Not that we're surprised, after not being able to make that oppressive mortgage payment for the last 6 months, we kind of knew this day was coming. We've set up an appointment with a counselor for next week, but there's really not alot of hope in saving the house (unless they can somehow figure out how to significantly drop our monthly payment).

But even more shocking to me is the number of people you run into every day who are going through this same situation! I had a meeting with a few other adults this past Monday, and started frankly discussing this, and every one of them could relate. People are losing jobs, or the luckier ones are just getting their hours cut back. Some are dealing with other very expensive issues and are being forced to make a choice between a roof over their heads and their children's well-being. Or medical care.

My question is this: all this TARP money that our fine government has chosen to give to these banks, what are the banks doing with it? What did the US government expect them to do with this money? Is that money ever going to show up and help the people who will eventually be responsible for repaying it? Will any of that TARP money help us stay in our home? I guess that remains to be seen.

You may ask why we don't try to put our house on the market. Well, I just don't see selling our house as a viable option at this time. We live in a development that still has open sites, and the new builder is building for cheaper than what we owe on this house. We had a realtor do a walk-through and give us a quote, and he said he had a 50% chance of selling, and that it would almost have to be a short-sale.

So are we just another casualty of this recession? Will the mortgage company work with us? Will we end up living in a tent city (or worse, the back room of the store)? We shall see...

The "B" Word

This is the hardest post I've ever attempted to write. Social stigma aside, admitting the exploring bankruptcy is basically admitting to complete failure. But despite all our efforts to change the course of our financial lives, it's obvious that bankruptcy is quickly becoming our only option.

In a nutshell, my husband purchased a pizza delivery franchise in August of 2004. About 6 months later, we made the colossal mistake of building a home (no, we haven't been stung by the ARM bug, one of my stipulations to the mortgage was a 30 year fixed rate, whew!).

I don't have to tell you what's happened to the economy...goods are getting more expensive, people are using less "expendible" income, minimum wage has increased along with gas prices. Our royalties and rent went up. Sales went down. You don't need to be a mathmatician to see where this is going.

Fast forward a few years, when we made a decision to purchase another location, only to have that one tank out in a little more than a year and put us even further behind. Now our flagship store is weighed down by debt from that defunct venture as well as all its own pressures.

So the current state is this: We've been working in the store something like 75 hours a week, the both of us, unpaid since I think May? We've gotten to the point where we can keep up with the business expenses as long as the unsecured debt is put on hold. Creditors are calling. Their threats don't even phase me anymore. Want to put a lien on my house/car/business/fill-in-the-blank? Knock yourself out! You're asking me to borrow money from family to pay you? Hahhhahahaahahaha! Never happen - they know better than to give me money! You want me to use my personal credit cards to pay a business expense? Been there, done that, and FINALLY learned that lesson. In fact, the sad thing is that we'll probably have to file a personal and a business Chapter 7 simultaneously because we've run the heck out of our personal credit cards to fund the business payroll.

I listen to Dave Ramsey almost every day, looking for some loophole, some stone we've left unturned. I read constantly about different methods of redemption. I pray about it. But our situation prevents me from getting a full time job, unless they'll pay me $12/hour so I can cover childcare and afford to pay someone to take my place in the store. I can't even maintain a steady part-time job because of DH's strange hours and responsibility to the store. I've tried to concentrate on reducing costs where I can, meaning inside the home, and the fruit of our efforts are plain to see - check out the grocery challenge links. We're still not even within megaphone-amplified shouting distance of making a dent in our debt.

And it's affecting my family on a personal level. DH has complained of chest pain at the ripe old age of 35. When things are particularly bad, I get short with DH and Andrew. Then depression sets in, and I can't get motivated to do anything but read more financial content. I've been staring down my bushy eyebrows in the mirror for the last 3 months, and cannot motivate myself to get out the wax, nuke the water, spread it on, and rrrrripppp! I obsess about finding free entertainment, clearance items at the grocery store, and a great buy at the Goodwill. And, as expected, marital relations hit an all-time low.

And I live in fear. Fear of going through bankruptcy. Fear of the 8 year limit between filings (what if we have a major medical disaster right after we file?). Fear about what we'll do after the bankruptcy, if the business has to be relinquished (strangely, you can find tons of info on personal bankruptcy on the internet, but things are very hush-hush when it comes to corporate...I guess we'll get all those answers from a lawyer, huh?). What I don't fear is making the same mistake twice. We've been living basically without our credit cards for quite awhile, and I think we've got the groove of cash-money-living going on.

So, gentle reader, it's my goal to document this process in a candid and earnest way for your reading pleasure. There seems to be little real-world, see-this-is-happening-to-me-and-if-you're-experiencing-this-and-feeling-this-way-you're-not-alone information out there to be had. I mean, I've read a crapload of case studies, but they're impersonal and don't describe the stress/mental anguish/guilt/ambivalence that I'm feeling right now.

I hope this helps someone. I really do.

So la-la-la-la live out loud...... ~SCC